Do You Self Sabotage?

     I know I do. It's a new year full of promise, and plenty of plans for improvement.I want to regain ground on who I should be becoming. I have such a long list of improvements I hope to make that it will have to be instituted in phases. (More on that in a future post)

     My problem is this.....already I find myself thinking I can't do....whatever. I want to write a book proposal, but I don't write well enough. I want to walk to work, but what if there's a problem and I need to get to the kids in a hurry? And so, I keep myself from starting or even trying to start. Holding a coffee in one hand and a cookie in the other, I look at the mountain in front of me without taking a single step toward it. Struggling with self sabotage and warring against it happens every single time I want to do something to change myself for the better.


     The tragedy of self sabotage is that it keeps you in a prison of your own making. It's a trap that prevents you from freely becoming who God created you to be. Those mightily used by God overcome their own negative voices, and listen for His direction.


     It's a little funny if you think about it. You have to talk yourself out of talking yourself out of improving your life. I will though. I will fight to be more.....more loving toward my husband, kids, and others I am in contact with, especially those who are difficult. More organized, more disciplined, more responsible. If I slip backward, I will get up and push into the wind once again because more than anything I don't want to stay where I am. I must keep moving forward.


     " for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down in times of calamity." Proverbs 24:16

     Do you struggle with self sabotage? What do you do about it?

Ending A Double Life

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

     I live several neatly (and sometimes not so neatly) separated lives. Sure, some of them overlap and coexist nicely, but largely I maintain a sectioned plate of family members, friends, church, etc.

     I will give you an example. I am an only child to my biological father, the eldest of three to my adoptive father, the eldest of six to my mother and stepdad. Most of my grandparents are divorced and remarried, causing me to have eleven living grandparents.

     From the time I was a little girl, I learned not to say certain names around certain individuals, because they couldn't bear to even hear the name spoken. Multi family events are taboo, forcing uncomfortable situations that some refuse to subject themselves to. And so I have lived several different lives with several different families and kept many things to myself to avoid "cross contamination".

     Now in my thirties, this way of living is slowly breaking down, causing anxiety and panic deep within me. You can get used to anything, and the rut it will become makes it uncomfortable to attempt a change. I want to know and love everyone in my life, and it has become exhausting and emotionally draining to try keeping it sectioned. 

     Though I am the same person in each life I live, I no longer want my heart to feel torn in multiple pieces. I can do without the guilt of mentioning the wrong person's name to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I want to freely love all without the fear of being abandoned by one I offend.

     I want to be Amy. One person, living one life, loving one gigantic family. 

     "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood." IS 54:4

     Sorry for so much drama, like I just grabbed all my dirty laundry and dumped it on you. 

     Does anyone else struggle with being who they want to be and others' reactions to their choices?

     Do you find it hard to break old relational patterns in order to make new ones?