Forgive Him? Really.....Again?

 

     For years I wrestled and rewrestled skeletons from the past. Journals full of sludge, many sleepless, prayer-filled nights, and buckets of tears, but finally the healing was coming. God lovingly released me from the shadows of shame that plagued me throughout life. He brought victory in the assurance that He has never, and will never take His compassionate hand out of my circumstances.

     Forgiveness can be difficult and complex. Just when you think you have done all of your forgiving, those painful cobwebby areas in the corners of your heart expand, revealing still more work that needs to be done.   

     God slowly and gently revealed some intense anger that I overlooked. Don't you hate it when that happens? Sometimes, you just want it to be over with, you know?

     Through a series of dreams I had recently, I was shocked at the animosity stirred deep within me toward someone from my past. There is no way I will see this man again, so what does it matter if I harbor resentments toward him forever? But it does matter....it matters to God, who wants me to be a whole, healthy person. Unforgiveness also negatively affects the heart and mind, and causes anxiety.

     God is gracious and patient, for that I am thankful. He allows time for healing, giving breaks from the relentless pressures and trials of life. But now to roll up my sleeves and get back to work. I must find a way to release this man from my debt. Even though I don't feel terribly scarred by his actions, the  fresh anger I feel is a red flag reminding me that there are things that still need let go of and the work of forgiving is not finished.

     

     I am so thankful that I don't have to figure this stuff all out on my own. God will hold my hand and guide me through it, just like He always has.
   
     "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

     Have you ever been reminded of a former offense against you and had the pain come rushing back over you like it happened yesterday? Do you ever wake up wanting to punch the person who caused it?

   

Ending A Double Life

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

     I live several neatly (and sometimes not so neatly) separated lives. Sure, some of them overlap and coexist nicely, but largely I maintain a sectioned plate of family members, friends, church, etc.

     I will give you an example. I am an only child to my biological father, the eldest of three to my adoptive father, the eldest of six to my mother and stepdad. Most of my grandparents are divorced and remarried, causing me to have eleven living grandparents.

     From the time I was a little girl, I learned not to say certain names around certain individuals, because they couldn't bear to even hear the name spoken. Multi family events are taboo, forcing uncomfortable situations that some refuse to subject themselves to. And so I have lived several different lives with several different families and kept many things to myself to avoid "cross contamination".

     Now in my thirties, this way of living is slowly breaking down, causing anxiety and panic deep within me. You can get used to anything, and the rut it will become makes it uncomfortable to attempt a change. I want to know and love everyone in my life, and it has become exhausting and emotionally draining to try keeping it sectioned. 

     Though I am the same person in each life I live, I no longer want my heart to feel torn in multiple pieces. I can do without the guilt of mentioning the wrong person's name to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I want to freely love all without the fear of being abandoned by one I offend.

     I want to be Amy. One person, living one life, loving one gigantic family. 

     "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood." IS 54:4

     Sorry for so much drama, like I just grabbed all my dirty laundry and dumped it on you. 

     Does anyone else struggle with being who they want to be and others' reactions to their choices?

     Do you find it hard to break old relational patterns in order to make new ones?

Tassles of Inspiration

     They came from every walk of life, each with their own reason for the pursuit. With incredible determination they cleared the hurdles that lie before them -- language barriers, age, environmental factors, drug abuse, illness, and child rearing--all things that led to dropping out of high school.

   

     Perhaps the most damaging hurdle to overcome was their own self doubt. They labeled themselves. Society labeled them. But tonight, they conquered. Each of them had returned to school to earn a GED, most with plans to continue with a college education, all with a resolve to better themselves. They were here to prove something.

     Rewarded with a strong sense of accomplishment, confidence, and self-worth, this unlikely mix of graduates is ready to tackle their future. New opportunities spread before them like a red carpet ready to welcome movie stars. Already it has been easier for them to find employment and apply for higher education.

     Cheering them on from the sidelines, their families burst with pride. Tears flowed and cheers whooped. You knew that those loved ones walked that tough road with their graduate, and now enjoyed the celebration of completion and redemption. 

     Sometimes all people need is a shot of hope and someone who will walk with them toward their dream.

What's Your Perspective?

   

      I can have a pretty shallow understanding of the world around me. I don't get why certain people behave in ways that cause grief and tension for those around them.


     I question (in my mind) why? Why aren't they.....? What are they.....? Don't they know......? I can't believe she...... The problem is that I don't always leave room in my own heart and mind for others to fall short of my own expectations. It's hard to slow down long enough to recognize the deeper need begging to be filled, and placed right in front of my face by a God wanting me to express His love to a hurting soul. No one wants to be in a desperate state of need. Most are just trying to get through their inner turmoil, leading them to perform at a lower standard than they normally would.


     It seems that anytime I fall into the judgment trap, I get knocked upside the head with the answers to my questions or I find myself in a similar predicament as the one I'm critical of. Then I feel sheepish and ashamed of my critical thoughts and lack of compassion. You would think it would eventually sink in, but no, it keeps happening. Apparently I am a slow learner.


     All around us are burned out, dried up, withered souls fighting to survive circumstances beyond their control. When I open my eyes and heart just a little bit, I see the bigger picture of suffering. The inner critic gives way to compassion. What I have been considering lately is this: "Who else but us? Who will be there to catch them when they fall? Who can they count on when they are hurting? Who will Love them? Who can they go to? Will it be us? Or will we stand there wondering why they can't get it together?


     The pace of life often doesn't allow for inconvenient interruptions, or for people to (gasp!) need me for any length of time. But when I stop and look around at what I CAN do, it is a huge blessing for me to carry it out.

Galations 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens,and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

 

Stand Out in a Crowd

     I have a very small comfort zone. It usually consists of some earth tone clothing paired with very normal denim. Though I am getting better about stepping out into bold color, it is something unfamiliar and thus not my favorite thing to do. Blending in is more my forte.

When everyone is doing something, I have no trouble participating. Like when we all got dressed up in poodle skirts and pony tails for a 50s party in my mom's honor. My grandmother made all of the costumes with my mom's help, and the party was a blast, complete with 50s party music and glass soda bottles. My husband and I were the carhops serving food and drinks out of the "diner".

Last weekend for "Turn Back the Clock Night", the Seattle Mariners held a costume contest for best 50s attire. I figured it was more than a coincidence that we had tickets for that exact night and I just happened to have a carhop costume. I imagined we might forget the year, with all the fans dressed in fifties fashion.

We walked to the game from our hotel, so I toted my costume in a bag. Arriving at the gates to the stadium, my nerves rattled as I looked around at the fans dressed in Jerseys, Jeans, and baseball caps. No one was dressed up and I was fitting right in. Should I change my mind? My grandmother was so excited....of course she was sure I would do well in the contest, but I didn't even know what the prizes were.

We found our seats, and I made the decision to run change and be back in my seat before too many arrived at the stadium. Perfect! No one would see me. But then there's drinks to buy and bathroom breaks to take. People saw me. To deal with that, I mostly avoided eye contact, but some really sweet people stopped me to say they enjoyed my costume.

Though I didn't place in the contest, putting myself out there as the only car hop in the ballpark was an amazing experience. I learned, at least temporarily, to suppress my fear of people's thoughts and opinions. Maybe they thought I was crazy, but so what? A couple wearing a poodle skirt and a letter sweater won two round trip airline tickets. They looked great! Uncomfortable and hot, I ran and changed after making it all the way to the eighth inning.

Do you ever worry about what people think and shrink from putting your true self on display? The willingness and strength to stand alone is one ability that should be practiced and mastered. Is it okay to practice it by being silly? I think so. I am convinced that those who master the skill of being themselves without running over others become truly comfortable with who they are.

Treasures in the Trash

     Today I combed through several bags of garbage, desperately searching for the diamond solitaire that fell out of my wedding ring. As I shook out each piece of trash, my heart sunk and my head ached. I prayed I would find the diamond, and retraced every step. The amazing security people at Target even took apart shelves to look for my tiny treasure.

     Sitting on the sidewalk in a pile of daycare trash, I considered the  parallels to life. Lots of trash happens in our lives. It's up to us to pick through and find the treasures among the half eaten sandwiches and dirty diapers. Sometimes the garbage can be overwhelming, causing us to lose focus and forget that there is any good to find.

     Though I have yet to find my diamond, there is something good in the trash and I will not stop looking for it. Have you ever found something important in your trash?

     "Suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it?" Luke 15:8
      

That, My Friend, is the Grace of God

Pre-baptism interview with Pastor Doug

     "Mom, I really want to get baptized."Our church was gearing up for baptism Sunday, and the deadline was closing in. My husband and I were not convinced she was old enough to grasp the meaning of baptism, but our daughter grew more persistent as the time drew near. We conversed with her about whether or not she really understood the commitment she was making, to live her life for Christ and walk according to the Spirit of God.

     A portion of that argument was brought to you by the fact that my husband and I were baptized together just five years ago, after an intense ride through the rapids of life.

     We read all about baptism and discussed it in the weeks leading up to the big day. Though she remained adamant, I thought I had convinced her to watch the baptisms this time and think about being baptized the next time it came around. I was wrong. Tired of my relentless questioning, she finally blurted out, "Mom, God wants me to get baptized!"

     Well, my argument was pretty much finished with that. I turned out the lights for bedtime as I agreed to get her a meeting with the pastor and see what he thought about baptizing her.

Declaration of faith

     My shy little girl, who had been afraid to death of standing in front of the church, now followed the pastor around, reminding him that she needed to talk when he had the time. That night, out of curiosity, I asked her, "How do you know God wants you to be baptized?"

     "Easy," she replied. "I asked Him and he said I should." She prayed about it, then had a dream with her answer.

      She was baptized a week ago Sunday based on her understanding that baptism is not salvation or a ticket into heaven, but on her desire to publicly declare her dedication to Christ. The miracle of that day will remain forever emblazoned in my memory.

Submersion

     Where would our family be now if five years ago, we had succumbed to the brutal attack on our marriage? Turned, not toward God, but away from Him? My heart is eternally grateful for His work in our lives. As the pastor declared at the baptism, "That, my friend, is the grace of God."