Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Ending A Double Life

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

     I live several neatly (and sometimes not so neatly) separated lives. Sure, some of them overlap and coexist nicely, but largely I maintain a sectioned plate of family members, friends, church, etc.

     I will give you an example. I am an only child to my biological father, the eldest of three to my adoptive father, the eldest of six to my mother and stepdad. Most of my grandparents are divorced and remarried, causing me to have eleven living grandparents.

     From the time I was a little girl, I learned not to say certain names around certain individuals, because they couldn't bear to even hear the name spoken. Multi family events are taboo, forcing uncomfortable situations that some refuse to subject themselves to. And so I have lived several different lives with several different families and kept many things to myself to avoid "cross contamination".

     Now in my thirties, this way of living is slowly breaking down, causing anxiety and panic deep within me. You can get used to anything, and the rut it will become makes it uncomfortable to attempt a change. I want to know and love everyone in my life, and it has become exhausting and emotionally draining to try keeping it sectioned. 

     Though I am the same person in each life I live, I no longer want my heart to feel torn in multiple pieces. I can do without the guilt of mentioning the wrong person's name to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I want to freely love all without the fear of being abandoned by one I offend.

     I want to be Amy. One person, living one life, loving one gigantic family. 

     "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood." IS 54:4

     Sorry for so much drama, like I just grabbed all my dirty laundry and dumped it on you. 

     Does anyone else struggle with being who they want to be and others' reactions to their choices?

     Do you find it hard to break old relational patterns in order to make new ones?

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